just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
It was confusing and full of hummus
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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