my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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