he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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