I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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