I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
