I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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