I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
