I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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