if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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