names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
