I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
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