i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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