I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
