dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
