My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
