Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
