I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
