i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
