someone get that fucking seahorse.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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