My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
