You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
