FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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