My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
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