Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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