I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
