This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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