i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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