my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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