her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
