Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Randomize
