why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
