I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
