currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
