The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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