Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
