'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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