I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Girls should come with a carfax report
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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