Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Are my feet made of real feet?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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