I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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