What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
As shirtless as possible
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
