90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
