i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
