I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
