I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
