I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
we're making bets on your personal life
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
