Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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