I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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