i just wanna soil my oats bro
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
She just used a chaser for red wine.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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