A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
