I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
